Love this CD

I just had to write a quick blog about this CD that I have been listening to almost everyday. It was released back in the spring of 2009, and I just love EVERY song, which is rare. Usually I have several favorites, but rarely do I love the entire thing. It's the CD, Jesus Saves, by Travis Cottrell. One of my favorite songs on the disc is his version of "In Christ Alone". From the first time I had heard that song, it always brought tears to my eyes. But the one that speaks the most to me, is the song, "I am persuaded." The chorus says, "Nothing in life, nothing in death, no mountain high, no ocean depth, no power below on earth or above, can separate me from Your love." I don't know if many of you know, but Nate and I experienced the loss of our fourth child back in mid August. I miscarried very early, around the six week mark, and we don't know whether we had a boy or girl, but irregardless, it still stung and hurt. I remember driving home from the grocery store, and out here that is a 35 minute drive, this song came on, and it was like balm to my soul. I felt like Jesus was sitting right there in the truck with my, grieving with me, but also reminding me that nothing can separate me from Him; even the worst circumstances, and that someday we will see that child that God saw fit to take home early. So everytime I hear that song, I am reminded of that sweet moment, where I experienced the loving comfort of my Savior.
But I just want to encourage you to get this Cd and check it out for yourself. I think he is so gifted in writing and arranging, and everytime I listen to this Cd, I feel myself being ushered into the throne room of God. I have the opportunity to see him lead worship at the Beth Moore conference in Tucson this March, and to say I am looking forward to it is an understatement! :) Plus it's a night away with other adult women, which is a rarity for me these days. I hope the music blesses you like it did me.

What's new

I know it has been so long since I have updated my blog. I still have Christmas pictures I thought I would like to upload on here of the time we spent with my family over Christmas. We went up to Greer and stayed in a log cabin for three days. It was so much fun. There was snow on the ground, and the girls had a blast playing in it. Grandpa and daddy took them out each morning in it. Charlotte wasn't too sure of it at first, but by the second day she warmed up to it. Of course, it didn't help that I didn't have any snow pants that actually fit her. Her two year body was crammed into a 9 month snowsuit!!! But I guess that's how it is when you live in southern Arizona, and rarely get to see any white stuff on the ground! Snow pants aren't in abundance at our local Target or Walmart! But anyway, someday soon, perhaps I will be motivated to upload those photos. Life has a way of just moving way too fast!



But I actually wanted to blog about what happened to my second child, Alaina this morning. I had been vacuuming the hallway and finished and was coming into the kitchen when I noticed Alaina standing at the table, crying and holding her mouth. I asked her what was wrong, expecting some teeth or a bloody mouth, but instead she gasps out she can't talk. I realize she's choking and so I start pounding her on the back. It's not helping, and she is now crying even harder because something is seriously stuck. So I turn her upside down and just start whacking her on the back. And a marble falls out onto the floor. A little marble. Thankfully that was the only one she had in her mouth. And then she threw up all over the floor. But I was glad to clean up that mess since it meant she was at least able to breath and talk again! I am still kind of surprised that the marble got stuck in her throat. I would have thought it would have just gone straight down and eventually come out the other way. But when she realized it was going down, she must have tensed up and it got stuck. I don't know. But I do know that my children had a very good object lesson about putting foreign objects into their mouths!



But this afternoon as I was laying in bed and trying to find some relief from a majorly bad headache, I was thinking about what happened this morning and what kind of lesson I could glean from this. And I realized that you could look at the marble as a metaphor for sin. Any sin. A sin that seems so small and so unlikely to hurt anyone, or yourself. And as you let it into your life, just kind of playing around with it, one day it gets lodged somewhere, and you suddenly feel choked off and fighting for air. And if you don't get rid of the sin, it could either make you really sick, or even kill you. Doesn't matter how small or insignificant it feels at the beginning, it will eventually take on a life of its own, and will ultimately own you, if you don't get rid of it. Or kill you. Wow. It's amazing the lessons you can learn from a four year old!



In two weeks my baby sister will be coming to visit us. To say I am excited would be a slight understatement. She is stopping here on her way home from Hawaii. My sister is quite the traveler. I am just so glad she is making time out of her vacation to see us. I don't know what all we will do while she is here, but she does want to go down to Bisbee and check it out. So we'll probably be antiquing and looking at some vintage stores. Being out in the middle of nowhere sometimes can feel so isolating. I check my computer for emails and facebook multiple times a day. It's quite sad actually. I am sure there are better things i could be spending my time on. But some days I just yearn for that adult connection. I mean, I am totally connected to my husband, but I think it's that girl connection I need so much. And to know there's other people out there, dealing with the same things I do each day. It's so easy to get into your little bubble world, and not have much fellowship with anyone outside my four acres. Sometimes I wonder how much good I am doing for the kingdom of God in my house with just my children. But then God reminds me, they are not just my children, they are His children. And I am raising them to be God lovers and seekers, and really, there is no more important job. But some days, like today, it still feels small. But that is when one clings to what she knows and not what she feels.

Thanksgiving

Hey all! I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. We did our fair share of celebrating here.We always spend Thanksgiving in Arizona, because it's too short of a holiday to drive back to Pennsylvania. So we were with the Zuck, Brazeal & Paris families. We ate way too much good food, watched a LOT of Nick Jr., and attempted to put together a HARD 1000 piece puzzle of which we maybe got a third of it done.But here are some pictures of the festivities....



Me & my niece, Kailey

An attempted shot at all the grandkids with Grandpa.

These are so hard to do! Left to right: Alaina, Kailey

Salma, Charlotte, Devin, Larissa & Hanna

She must really be enjoying the book!

Grandpa and Jennah reading a book

My nephew, Devin, in the middle of a wrestling move.

My Alaina, this is really a typical Alaina face!

Our youngest, Charlotte, hamming it up for the camera!

Baby Jennah, as our girls affectionately call her.

Unfortunately, Jennah is almost two, and not a

baby anymore!

Another smile for the camera!

I believe the highlight of the evening was the wrestling match that ensued after supper. It was hysterical because Devin is our only boy at the moment, and he has 7 girls to contend with. And he's only three and a half! So he would always go after Larissa. For those of you who know Larissa, this is funny because she is by far my more prissy and girly girl. So once she went into hiding, he and Alaina got after it. Which is also funny because Alaina is my least aggressive child. I wish I had it on video, but alas, I am not so technologically saavy with my camera, and had left my camcorder at home. Maybe at Christmas! And speaking of Christmas, can I just say, it's only 12 more days until my family, my ENTIRE family, flies out for a week, and we are going to the White Mountains for a few days and staying in a log cabin! To say I am excited is an understatment to be sure. The girls are already talking about drinking lots of hot chocolate and eating lots of popcorn. I hope it snows, so they can play in it, and maybe make a snowman. Going sledding would be awesome too, but I would be happy just seeing some white stuff. I just love this time of year. God Bless!

Memories

Wow! Twice in one week! This is amazing....but I highly doubt it will continue. Anyway, yesterday I came upon two old scrapbooks from my younger years. Like 12 years ago. Wow, that kind of hurts to say it. But I spent some time remembering and reminiscing about my college days at Hesston, and about a group of friends that I hung out with mostly after high school and college. In 1998 I lost two of these friends to car accidents two months apart, almost to the day. I was a freshman in college, and I must say it was one of the most difficult times of my life so far. I had written a poem, birthed out of the emotions I was feeling at the time. I wanted to share it here.

UNTITLED

Empty, hollow endless sorrow
Following me, never leaving
It's supposed to get easier,
At least that's what I hear
It seems like yesterday
We were laughing and talking
Now I am the only one walking
Alone, without you near,
Constantly wishing you were here.
I hear a laugh, see a smile
Missing you with each more mile
Shedding tears and feeling pain,
Will I ever be the same?
I keep looking back, remembering
Times we have spent because I
Am afraid I will forget.
Where's the peace I am looking for?
Searching, asking, reaching for?
Is God there? Does He care?
Or is it here to stay.
My heart is breaking, my soul is
Aching for my Master's healing touch
Loving Jesus, come save me from
This pain I am feeling.
Is this my only lot in life, to
Constantly sacrifice my beloved friends
Until the very bitter end?
You are my strength, You are my light
Guide me through this endless night.
Help me lay it at Your feet,
Allowing you to carry
my burdensome load, never
Fearing where to go.
Thank you, Jesus, for
Blessing me with great
friends such as these.
Though it's hard to let
them go, their memory is
With me as You are
Rejoicing at their entry.
Say hello to Scott and Chris
And please give them an angel's kiss.

At times I like to look back, and remember what God has brought me through. In the Old Testament the Israelites would build memorials, stones, to remind them of God's faithfulness. This was a milestone in my life, for trusting God's timing, faithfulness, and that He has a most perfect plan, not to harm me, but to give me a future and a hope, even when I don't understand.

Girlhood dreams

I was driving to Douglas this morning, on my way to the grocery store, minus the kids, and my mind wandered to an old girlhood dream of mine that has just never died. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been captivated by horses, and have always wanted one. When I was younger, my dad wouldn't let me get one because he was afraid I would lose interest and it would become his responsibility. Which may have happened, because horses need to be rode and have time spent with them, and I confess, there were times in my younger days where I was kind of flighty. But this is a dream that has never died. When I was in college, a group of us went to Tulsa, OK and stayed with Corina's uncle who lived on a ranch. And yes, he had horses. He took us all out on a ride, and it was so much fun. It was pretty nerve racking too, to be on top of a horse and knowing it was a long way down! But it was so much fun! After I got married and moved out to Arizona, where there are tons of wide open spaces, it just seems natural that horses should be part of the landscape. But it has never seemed the right time to get one. Our children are small, and so I don't have the time to ride real often, not to mention the fact that my husband and I don't really know a lot about horses. But, oh I still want one! Perhaps someday. I always had this alternate personality where I wanted to be a cowgirl. Hat, boots and all. But I think about that and think everyone will realize what a poser I am! But there is something so alluring about riding across an open range, hair flying in the breeze, and feeling absolutely free. And I think that's what I want most of all. Freedom. Freedom from all life's stresses, frustrations, and pain. From the joy and time drainers of this life. Not from my family and friends, but from all the complications that come from the world. Freedom.

Beauty in Pain

Pain. Heartbreak. Those are two words that most people do not want to willingly experience. For any reason at all. But I have learned through various experiences throughout my life, that there is beauty in pain. Through our pain, our eyes are opened to the beauty around us, causing us to really see it, and not take it for granted like we usually may do. It brings healing to us. Pain can bring us closer to God, if we allow Him into our pain, to walk through it with us, instead of closing the door and hardening our hearts.
On Saturday, I was reading through one of my old Beth Moore Bible studies, A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place. It takes you through the Old Testament tabernacle and how in the tabernacle God dwelled among his people, but today we are his tabernacle, and God dwells with us within us. And the week I was reading over was on idols and if there are any idols in our lives. And the last question of the lesson was if you felt like your heart had grown cool to God, and if it has, then you need to pray to ask God to restore your passion for Him, no matter what it takes. And as I was dwelling on that thought, I realized that had happened to me. In my quest to run an efficient household, to raise well behaved kids and to have everything appear "great" on the outside, I had sacrificed my heart. It has grown cold. I hadn't felt a touch from God in a while. I hadn't really even had a heart to heart talk with God in a while. A compassionate spirit towards others had long dried up. I felt convicted. So I prayed. And I told God all the things on my heart, and then asked Him to restore that passion, that first love in my soul for Him, no matter what it took. Little did I know, that the next morning, Sunday morning, would be a devastating blow to my spirit. But even as my heart was broken, and I was questioning why, I found my heart saying deep inside, No matter what, Lord, I will praise You. I will not let go of You. You have a plan for me, not to harm me, but to bring me life. And while my heart may be breaking, I am feeling again! The most beautiful sunset, the colors of a flower, the healing music of a song, or the laughter of my children, or a kiss from my husband bring tears to my eyes. Something that hasn't happened in a while. And my Lord and I commune everyday, because He is my strength and the only Reason I am making it through each day right now. But I have allowed Him to enter into my pain, and open my eyes to the ways it is making me stronger giving me compassion for those who go through the same thing. I want to have a continual passion for my God and this life, for my husband and children, and those friends and family that have been placed in my tiny section of the world, to see the beauty in all things, even those that hurt. Because I believe that only when our hearts have been broken, can the real healing begin.

Long time

Wow! I realized that my last blog was written almost five months ago! That's a long time. Not that there hasn't been anything to write about, I guess just taking the time is difficult. And even right now, I don't have anything really profound to write about, but thought maybe I'd just share some random thoughts. My husband is going to be trucking the rest of June and it's not something I particularly love. I usually have to take a Tylenol pm at night before I go to bed and then read until the words are running together and I fall asleep. He usually leaves the night before and I have a really hard time falling asleep when he isn't here. I have an overactive imagination and so every little noise I hear causes me to lay awake for hours and dream up all kinds of possibilities for the noises. And this of course gets my heart racing and I lay stiff in fear of what might be out there. Ridiculous, isn't it? I'm not a kid, I mean, I did turn 30 this year. Oh yeah, I had my thirtieth birthday. When the day finally arrived it wasn't as traumatic as I thought. Now, the weeks before it were. I hated the idea of turning thirty and heading into a new decade. I had a lot of fun in my twenties. I got married, had kids, moved to Arizona, did some traveling...not all in that order! :0 ) But I am noticing more gray hairs. I guess I need to start highlighting regularly! And I need to start putting on my Mary Kay eye firming cream to try to keep my wrinkles at bay. You know, trying to stay young can be so expensive!
Oh, yes, back to Nate trucking.....well, with my man gone in the evenings a lot right now, it's also made me realize how much I miss my sisters. I really wish they would consider a career change and move out here to me! I think about how fun it would be in the evenings if they were here and we could watch a movie together. I absolutely love watching movies with my sisters because they see humor in things I never would of thought of. Watching a movie commentated by them is truly an experience worth having. And just the silliness and the teasing....but I do get plenty of silliness with my own three girls. Unfortunately I don't always think it's funny. Like on Monday. I was cleaning my bathrooms and the girls were outside playing. Now with my kids, if there is mud outside within two hundred feet of the house, they have this built in homing device that directs them to the mud. Mostly Alaina and Charlotte. So I just finished cleaning their bathroom when Alaina bursts in and announces that she needs to wash her hands. I look up and her hands are CAKED in mud. And her shoes. And then Charlotte is on the scene, hands, feet, legs, arms all caked in mud. How do they know? I mean, does the thought go through their mind that, hey mom is cleaning our bathroom, lets go out and get totally dirty and undo everything she's done. Sometimes, I seriously think so. Like the quote says, " A mother's job is never done....."(dramatic sigh).
Well, I guess I don't really have much more to say. I just started drinking my first cup of coffee and so now my mind should stop running in all random directions.....should, but it doesn't always happen!