Friday, January 23, 2009

Holding too tight

This morning I was trying to get my floors vacuumed before company arrived. Charlotte was following me around trying to carry two books, five magnets and a necklace. I say trying because every couple of steps she would drop something, bend over, try to pick it up without dropping everything else. Of course, something else would fall out of her hand and she would start to cry and try to pick it up again. I told her several times to put something down, but she refused. Instead she only became more frustrated and upset. And suddenly, something clicked in my mind. It was like God was saying to me, you do this all the time. There are things in your life that you desperately are trying to hang on to. You need to let go and lay it down. Wow. I am always amazed at how God speaks to me through my children. I know there are things in my life that I feel I can't let go of. In a way, I am afraid to let go of my children. I am afraid they will do or say something that will embarrass me, so I try to control their every moment, and if I don't get an immediate response or the respect I feel I am owed, I get frustrated or angry. I sometimes am fearful of death and what life will look like after death, in Heaven, and I desperately try to cling to anything on this earth to avoid thinking of the afterwards. Doesn't change the fact it's still coming. It's coming to us all. I have to get it through my thick head that this world is not my home. This is not my final destination, and I need to live my life looking forward to my final destination: standing before my Lord and giving an answer for the way I've lived my life, the words I have chosen to speak or not speak, and the way I've treated those He placed in my life. Why is it so hard to lay down the fleshly desires of this world? I am so thankful that my heavenly Father is one who understands what it's like to be human and fight against those feelings and desires everyday. He knows, He understands, and yet He still is there, rooting for us, willing to help us fight. He never turns away no matter how long or ugly it gets. I am so thankful for these little moments almost every day when God gives me a little insight into what it's like for Him, watching me struggle and grow. Oh, to be more like Him!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Living the Story

Last night I had received some news that a family member on my husband's side had passed away. I felt like crying all night, and even today, the sting is still there. This precious woman, succombed to death, leaving behind a husband and four small children. She was only in her early thirties. And it hit me how life is truly a vapor. Death is hard for anyone to understand and devastating to work through. It's especially so when it's someone young, who is to be full of life and have many years ahead of them. I kept thinking that it could be me. And it also made me feel so guilty. I think of all the times I get frustrated and angry with my children, or just wish for one day to myself, and I think of how this young mother felt, probably wishing for just one more day with her children. One more time to wipe runny noses, to break up a fight, to hold a little one and wipe their tears, to make one more meal. In reality, though, her story is just beginning. She is now before her Father, complete and whole, in perfect health. But for those of us here, it's so hard to wrap our minds around that concept. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. There's part of me that just wants to go on living here, on earth. And I think it's because I have a scewed view of what Heaven truly is and what we will do there. And I must confess there is a certain fear in death for me. But the truth is we are never absent from God. When we breath our final breath on earth, we are immediately before the Father. My human mind just can't comprehend it.
My grandparents were here for almost two weeks and we had a great time. It means so much to me that they would drive all the way out here. Especially because they are almost 80 years old! While they were here, my grandma insisted on washing my dishes everyday. I don't have a dishwasher......someday!! But, anyway, almost once each day she would make comment about the view and how beautiful the mountains are. The one day I mentioned to her that the sad thing was, I don't even see them anymore. I mean, I see them with my eyes, but not with my heart. I don't stop and look and think, wow, thank you God for putting that view right before my window everyday. Just to think that the mountains are your footstool. You are truly amazing Lord! Isn't that sad? We are surrounded by an amazing and vast creation, yet do we really see the beauty that God has lavished on us?
I just finished reading John Eldredge's book, Desire, and it talks about how we can become so loaded down with this life, and we were meant for so much more. It really challenged me to be aware of my attitude and how I can let myself become complacent. I want to have a fire and a passion for life. To see my life as a play that God has the main role and I am in His cast. To live my life on purpose. To not forfeit any joy or beauty for the burdens of my day, but to let Christ handle that for me.