Secret of Life

I spent the first 22 years of my life in Pennsylvania. I was raised on the same farm and in the same house for just over 17 years of that time. When I got married, I moved to Arizona. My husband had grown up, moving around several times. He frequently has sand in his shoes, so to speak. He doesn't necessarily grow deep roots that can't be transplanted. Moving was hard, and it took me a couple of years to find where I fit. One blessing was that my husband's parents, and one of his sisters was living in the same area at the time. Friendships took time, but once made, they were like glue. Most of the friends I had were in the same place of life as me. Young mothers in the trenches, with babies and toddlers running around -- organized chaos. There were times I longed for green--green grass, green trees, being closer to stores and things. There was a time we traveled over an hour to church one way every week. The closest big mall and club store, like Costco, was over an hour and half away. I missed being so far from my family. At the time, our kids were my parents only grandkids. Now my youngest sister has children, but she lives overseas, so I guess I am still the closest.

Two years ago, when we moved to Arkansas, I was excited to cut the distance to my family in half. I was looking forward to living in an agricultural setting, yet only being 20 minutes from all the things. I was thrilled that my kids would have more opportunities to join in and experience the arts. I was thankful that we would have dad around more and that the kids and I would be working with him on the farm. A real family run business.

I lived for 14 years in the desert, and then moved to "green", in all the ways, and yet have only realized that now I am in the "desert". The last two years have been hard. At first when we moved, I don't think I allowed myself to really grieve the leaving. You don't realize what deep wells of friendship you have until you are uprooted. I wanted to be strong for my kids, we were overwhelmed with learning a new business, and just trying to adjust to daylights savings. Its been two years and I still can't handle "springing forward"! We live in a community that everyone wants to move to and no one moves away from. Trying to break into friend groups that have known each other since grade school is no joke. I also think, the older I get, the more introverted I have become and I just don't want to put myself out there.

But God has been so faithful. I have felt His closeness more, especially in the last few months, than I have in a while. He comes for my heart in the smallest and biggest of ways. He is gentle and kind and has awakened my heart in new ways, eager to have Him walk with me, to invite Him in. That's what He is after....for us to invite Him in. To ask Him what He thinks, to just sit in quietness and be in His Presence. Being still had become hard for me. I was afraid to sit and be still because then all the sadness, frustration, and loneliness would creep up and feel overwhelming. But He isn't afraid of those feelings. He wants us to let those out. Speak it out loud and release it. I've been trying to do more of that.

Ann Voskamp wrote in a blog post a while ago about how we can't love Jesus for what He can do for us, but because He is beautiful. He is marvelous. And we need to examine our motives and heart behind how we relate to Him. Even if we don't get what we think we want or need, He is still good.

I have been learning the hard way about the secret of life, which Paul talks about in the New Testament. Contentment. It can be fleeting, it can feel impossible, it can be a catch word. But I think God meant for it to anchor us to Him. To keep ourselves tied close to Him. Our circumstances may change, but if our contentment is anchored in Him, we don't need to worry.

Just some random thoughts on a Thursday.
Blessings....