I have a confession to make. I don't always love being a mom. There. I said it. But it's true. I had no idea how hard being a mom would be. How I could get so frustrated and angry. At myself. Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs you will do because it forces you to look at yourself and all your flaws and have to deal with them. And I really don't like those kinds of self-evaluations! And there is the constant double standard of the way I can hold my children up to this high standard, that I demand they follow, yet I feel justified in my less then stellar attitudes when they fall short. Yeah, like I have it all together. Like I live in a constant state of perfection, where God never has to discipline me. Uh, huh. Like God never has to exert patience where I am concerned. Hmmm...
I get tired of breaking up fights. of refereeing, of cleaning up, of being needed. Dying to self is hard. Choosing the unselfish path, the selfless path, is difficult. But thank goodness we serve a God who delights in helping us, who never runs out, who we can run to, who will fill us up if we only ask. I just need to train myself to call on Him for help instead of feeling sorry for myself and getting frustrated and angry.
I was reading a blog a couple of weeks ago of a mom who was exhausted. She was giving her kids a bath and as she pulled each one out, she realized that one day she will miss this. Miss the messes, miss the reading books before bedtime, the chaos at mealtimes, the dirt and mud. Because one day, these little people will grow up and move out and have their own lives. Sure, they will come to visit, but the house will feel empty. Alone.
I was looking at some of Alaina's 5th birthday pictures, and there was one that just caught my eye. It was of Alaina, and I could see she was totally starting to lose that little girl look and moving more into a big girl look. It made me feel a little panicked. Like time is ticking away....which it is. I know with Landon, I am definitely enjoying the baby stage more now then ever before. Because I have understood how fast it truly goes. Because before you know it, you have a six year old, who is an individual with different ideas, who is watching everything you do and is very quick to call you out if you are just one time inconsistent. And it is this older stage that I need to learn to enjoy a little more. A little more grace, a little more mercy, a little more love, more hugs and kisses and snuggle time. Explaining and talking about things instead of thinking they are too young or they will just do it because I said so! There is a definite need for immediate obedience, but there is also a time for explanation and discussion as to why. Which is what I struggle with. Taking the time. What am I in such a big hurry for anyway? I need to remember that I am planting seeds in a life that one day I hope to witness a harvest in. Sometimes pulling the weeds, watering the ground and fertilizing it can get tiresome, sometimes downright annoying because you just dealt with that weed yesterday and it's back again, but in the same way God extends his grace and mercy to me, I need to be extending that to my children. No strings attached.
These are just some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head lately. I think the most important thing in this season of my life right now is to learn how to be present with my children, my husband, and most importantly my God. Because once I figure that out, everything else will fall into place. To be in constant conversation. I have my mind so focused on a needed quiet time, where I am uninterrupted for an hour. That's just not my season right now. And I need to learn to adjust. To be flexible. God hasn't gone anywhere. He is willing to meet me wherever I am. It's me. I need to quit putting God in a box of "I can only meet with God during a scheduled quiet time" and see Him in my everyday life. Talk to Him while I wash dishes, hang out laundry, wash the floor, and scrub the bathtub. He will meet me wherever I am. Wherever you are. Right Now.