Friday, April 30, 2010

some things never change

I love journals. I have probably six or seven around the house at different spots. Some are filled, others halfway, and some barely started. I have a love/hate relationship with journaling. I love the idea of it, and may do well for a week, but then life gets busy and I don't take the time to write out my thoughts. I have friends who keep a journal throughout each pregnancy, and I thought that sounded like such a great idea, but I never followed through. Same with scrapbooking. All I can say, is Larissa's is half done, Alaina's I at least have a book, and poor Charlotte has nothing! And I only told myself I would scrapbook the first year!!!  I have other friends who journal on their computer. I know I should really look into this idea, because my thoughts come out so fast at times, that I can't write it down fast enough. But then I get hung up on the idea that computer journaling seems so impersonal. And I have this romantic, sentimental notion, that perhaps someday my children will come upon my journals after I am gone, and how much more meaningful would it be if it was actually written in my own hand?
But I had a read on another friend's blog how she keeps a journal by her bedside and every night she goes to bed, she writes down everything she has done that day, something her own mother did. And I was thinking that 's a great idea. It would be fun to look back and see what I do get accomplished in a day. I know somedays it feels like a big fat zero. So this morning, I found a small journal that I had gotten at a ladies retreat last year, or was it two years ago? Anyway, I opened it up and found a prayer that I had written at this retreat, and so of course I read it. And it's amazing how a year later, it all still applies. The cry of my heart has not changed.  So I thought I would share it here:
              Pour down. Rain down, O Holy Spirit. Take me as Yours alone. Broken, imperfect, but love and treasured by You. Mend my brokeness, smooth the rough edges, and raise up in me the person You've called me to be. Let me feel the fire again, the burning in my soul. Let me not be the same again. Let your glory light shine upon my face. Be the lifter of my head. Break my heart and make it like Yours. Enlarge my ability and capacity for love, to love and be loved. I pray to believe You for all things. I'm tired of running, of trying to keep up the facade. Transparency is what I seek. Make me Yours, I want to jump in head first. Fill me to overflowing. Let me see the world the way You do.
   I love finding stuff like this. It takes me right back to that moment. I can picture myself sitting at that table, writing this entry. I also found this quote that I had written down, "You are not obeying God's Word when you let your kids disobey you." Wow, that's tough, isn't it?  Kind of along the same lines as delayed obedience is still disobedience. I know I have trouble with that one.
So, yet again, I am going to make a sincere attempt at journaling. At least writing down what I do each day. We'll see how it goes.

No comments: