The other day, my mother-in-law offered to take the kids after lunch and keep them until after lunch the next day! I would have a whole 24 hours with no kids. And I gotta confess, that was a really hard day for me. I went to the grocery store after I dropped them off, and it felt so weird to not hurry back to get them. I could take as long as I wanted. And then I got home and put everything away, made myself some dinner, watched some television, waiting for Nate to come home. I thought I would revel in a quiet house, but I absolutely hated it! All those days where I just wished to myself...if only I could have a day to myself....and here I had one and I didn't know how to handle it. Nate came in and we were talking and I was just like, what in the world did we do before we had kids? We didn't wait very long to start our family after we were married, so it kind of feels like they have always been here. He laughed and said that this is how it will be once they are all grown up, married, or at least moved out of the house. And as I think on those words, it actually makes me sad! What will I do with all my free time? Now, I realize that this is many years away, but the first six years of parenthood have gone extremely fast, and I am pretty sure the next several years will go just as quickly. I realized that as a couple, it is so easy to forget how to talk to each other and spend time together without the kids. And as an individual, being a mother is not who I am, it's part of who I am, but it doesn't make all of me. I have come to realize that I thrive off of being needed, and when that is taken away, I feel useless and lost.
Wednesday, I then had the opportunity to sleep in. Something I have been wanting to do ever since becoming pregnant. Mornings are very hard for me to get out of bed. But do you think I could sleep in? NOOOOOO!!!! I woke up at 6:00 and just dozed in and out for an hour before becoming totally disgusted with myself and rolling out of bed. I did get the hall bathroom painted before lunch, and that is something that probably wouldn't have happened if the kids had been home, but at lunch the house just felt so empty without the kids here, talking and making noise.
It's funny how we think if we could just get this one thing, and once we get it, we realize that it really wasn't that great. I do have to admit that I am not used to getting big blocks of time like that off, and if it happened more often, I would probably be able to relax or find things to do. It would have been nice to go out for dinner, but where we live, to go some place you have to drive an hour to get there, and if your man doesn't come in until after six, that makes a pretty late dinner!
I do not mean to sound ungrateful. I am so GRATEFUL!!!! I hate to ask anyone to watch my kids, not because I think they are terrible kids, they aren't, but I hate the thought of inconveniencing anyone. So I feel like through this experience, God has shown me that I need to continue to work on my relationship with Nate, and how we relate to each other without the kids. Because one day, that will happen, if the Lord tarries. And also, just being comfortable with silence, with being alone. Just me and God.
I feel like this one day has brought a lot of new thoughts in to my brain. And I feel like this post I just wrote is not organized and totally will not make sense, but I just felt like writing it out. So good luck navigating through it!
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