Saturday, September 4, 2010

Four weeks

Yesterday was four weeks since Landon Ray made his grand entry into this world, and I must confess that I am still in survival mode. I forgot how much I love my sleep. Uninterrupted sleep. It's been a challenge only getting chunks of sleep here and there. The first ten days were especially tough, but now we are kind of getting into a routine.
My biggest challenge, after lack of sleep, is my older three. I do believe this is magnified because of my  not getting enough sleep, but I have been noticing the attitude rearing its ugly head around here. I also think this has something to do with the fact that their daddy has been on the road trucking copper, leaving me to hold down the fort solo. So, when you put together a sleep deprived mama, with the post pregnancy hormones still working their way out, (why does that take so long????) and three little girls who are missing their daddy and feel that they need to test their boundaries, that can equal a very stressful house.
Thursday we attempted the grocery store, with grandma, and let me just say, that my oldest can still throw a fit about as well as her baby brother. But we did it, and we survived. I'll just summarize it with a quote from my mother in law, "I don't think you need to be doing this all by yourself anytime soon," Grin. I would agree! :)
Being a mother is a refining process. It shows me all of my flaws, and things I didn't even know about myself. The main thing I have learned about myself, actually there are several, but one big thing is the fact that I am incredibly selfish. I don't like being interrupted from things I feel are "important". Like cleaning or cooking, things I feel must get done, and they do need to get done, but if my girls interrupt me to ask to watch a video, for a snack, for anything, really, I get annoyed very quickly. Why? I don't really know.
And the second thing I noticed, is that I am an angry mom. It doesn't take much for me to become extremely frustrated and upset. And when this happens, I yell. I am a yeller. There, I said it, I admitted it. I yell. To be fair, I know my just having a baby and the exhaustion and hormones are only amplifying the situation, however, I am an adult, and I can use self-control. I expect my children to, so I should as well. This has been extremely challenging. But I am hoping that by confessing here, in a public way, it might keep me accountable to the way I react to situations.
Being a mom is tough. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. And there are a lot of days where I wonder what in the world I was thinking that I could do this. But that's the point, I am not supposed to do it myself. I think part of my problem is that I realize how insufficient and flawed I am, and that makes me angry at myself, which in turn, I take out on my kids. But that's where depending on the Lord for your next breath, your next step is so important. I have a tendency to just try to figure it out for myself, do everything myself, when I need to just step back, take a breath, whisper a prayer, and wait on the Lord. And not take myself so dang seriously. Allow myself to find the humor and laugh at some of the situations that come my way regarding my kids. Laughter is good medicine, and something that i think I should partake of more often. I look at myself and think that I used to be fun. I used to laugh a lot more. Nowadays, I just feel frustrated. But one day I will look back and miss this time....when they are young, when they think I can fix everything, when they want to talk my ear off, when they want to hug and tell me they love me. Because if I am not careful, I could damage their hearts, their spirits, and they will shut me out.
So, please pray for me....we are starting school next week, and I think I will have to read this post a couple times a day to remind myself of what's really important!
And for fun, here's some recent pics of the little guy.....

Seriously, he needs to stop growing so fast! At four weeks he's almost 11 pounds!

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