Power

I just got the new Hillsong CD, This is our God. It's pretty good. There is a song on there, Healer, that has a special story to it. The guy who wrote it had been told a couple years ago that he had cancer. He went home and wrote that song. The Lord healed him. The song sat for a couple years and they put it on their new CD. The words are this:

You hold my every moment/you calm my raging seas/you walk with me through fire and heal all my disease/I trust in you/I trust in you
I believe you're my healer/I believe you are all I need/I believe you're my portion/I believe you're more than enough for me/Jesus you're all I need
Nothing is impossible for you/nothing is impossible/nothing is impossible for you/you hold my world in your hands

You can watch the video on youtube. I think you just type in the word healer. But the next song on the CD I love. It's called You are Here. And the words are this:

The same power that conquered the grave/lives in me/lives in me
Your love that rescued the earth/lives in me/lives in me

I was talking to my husband on the way home from church yesterday about how I get so frustrated throughout a day. I have my idea of what I want to accomplish in a day and when it doesn't go the way I want it to, I get very frustrated and even angry. But how often do I ask for the Lord's help throughout the day? Sometimes I believe I have more frustrating days than not, because the Lord is trying to draw me to Him. To rely on him solely to get through a day. Think about that, the same power the raised Christ from the dead, lives in me. It lives in all of us if we've surrendered our lives to Him. How awesome and amazing is that? But it's the remembering, the dying to ourselves, realizing we can't do it on our own. That is hard.
We are seriously considering homeschooling our children. I struggle daily with wondering if I can do it. Do I have enough patience? Will I be a good teacher? Will they be able to learn from me? What about my own personal time? I realized I can be very selfish. And I am learning more everyday that it isn't about whether I can do it, but will I let God accomplish His will and desire through me?
Being a parent is really hard because we constantly have to sacrifice what we want to be doing for what we need to be doing. Spending time with our children, directing them and making sure their hearts are right. That is tough work. But how much harder is it when I refuse to bend the knee, and ask the Lord for his help, his power, his resurrection power. What more could I want? What more could I need?

Captivating

I am thinking that perhaps I should just make my blog a book review. I just got done reading the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. And it was a great book. Anyone females out there who haven't read it, really should. It's reawakened something in me. The book is based on the fact that there are two questions. Man has a question, and woman has a question. Man's question is Do I have what it takes? And woman's question is, Am I lovely? And this is a sore spot for me. I have always struggled with both my physical appearance and personality. I never felt pretty. In high school I always felt as though all my friends were prettier than me, and all the boys liked them, and I was just everyones buddy. To be honest, I still feel this way a lot of the time. And then I would feel like maybe I was too serious, not fun enough, not adventurous enough.....on and on it goes! Well, in this book they talk about how Satan especially has it out for women. See, God created mankind in His image. And part of what makes woman God's image is her beauty. And Satan was cast out of heaven because of his pride and how he felt like he was as beautiful as God. So he doesn't want woman to embrace her beauty, and he's jealous. So he feeds us lies. I was praying this afternoon, and the Lord just brought to my mind all the lies that I have believed over the years. I agreed with the lies, and they became a part of me, chains tying me down, keeping me from experiencing freedom and the abundant life God has planned for me. So I asked forgiveness for the part I played in agreeing with those lies, and then I renounced their hold over me. See, all those times I felt unlovable, they were lies from the pit of hell. And I when I agree with them, I am only crucifying Christ all over again. How much more can he prove his love for me then by dying? It was quite the eye opening experience....and I am so thankful for it. Because I don't want to pass that legacy onto my children. I don't want them to have the baggage I have carried around for so many years. Another thing I learned is that I tend to be a controlling person. Wow, I never really thought about it before, but I do believe it's gotten worse since I have had children. I feel this pressure to make sure they are perfect, that they never fight or get into trouble. Hello! How can I parent perfect children when I myself am far less than perfect? I have realized that I need more grace, mercy, and tenderheartedness.
Another cool thing they point out in the book is how God talks to us through nature. How He gives us beautiful sunsets, rainbows, shooting stars, etc., to show us that He loves us, that He's thinking about us, that He's pursuing us. I never really thought of it that way. See I have always had this thing for rainbows. Always. I just loved how it was a constant reminder of God's promises to me. Well, I married and moved out to AZ where I live on a farm with my husband. Know what the farm was called before they moved here? Rainbows End Ranch. You can see more rainbows here than almost anywhere else. How sweet and perfect of my Heavenly Father, to put me in a place where I am consistently reminded of his love and His presence. I guess it's just so hard for me to grasp that with all the people in the world, God still desires me. A relationship with me. Personal, hard, messy, time consuming, He doesn't care. It doesn't matter to Him how needy I am. He is the only one who doesn't tire of the need, but glories in it. Praise God! I am never too much for Him. And He is more than enough for me.

Relationship

I just finished reading, "The Shack", by William Young. I can't really put into words what I feel about it. I need to read it again. One thing I did learn is that the Trinity goes hand in hand. They work together and all need to be active in my life. I find at times....most times, I quench the Holy Spirit because I am afraid. Mostly I am afraid of how the Holy Spirit will manifest Itself in my life. I won't be in control. I really am a control freak!!! I think most of us are probably are. And I felt released from this pressure I put on myself about if I don't read my Bible or pray, God's mad at me or will punish me. Yes, God wants me to read His Word, my life instruction manual, but more importantly, He wants relationship. He wants to be involved in all I am, do, think, or speak. He wants my life to be a prayer...to be in constant communion with Him. How awesome and amazing is that? He is all about relationship. Its so hard to get my mind to wrap around that. I think I've spent sufficient time with the Lord if I read/study my Bible for 30-45 minutes. But God wants to live my whole day with me. How do I do this? It's just mind boggling. I always knew God was about relationship, I mean, He sent His only Son to earth to make a way for relationship with us. But I guess I never really personalized it before. And that is what The Shack did for me. It brought to life how intricately involved God is in every aspect of my life. The peaceful times, the pleasant times, and yes, even the painful times.

Tic Tacs and other thoughts

I know, it's been a while since I've written anything. I must confess that the creative juices have just not been flowing recently. I hate when I go through dry spells like that. But one humorous thing did happen not too long ago. I took my girls to the bank with me. Now, I live in a very SMALL town, and so when I go to the bank, if there are no other cars there, I will just let the pickup run and go and be out in like two minutes. Before I went into the bank I gave Alaina and Larissa each some tic tacs to eat while I ran in. I come back out, put the truck in gear and am leaving when I notice Larissa is crying. I ask her what's wrong and she says her nose hurts. I think she's been picking it, so I tell her to just leave her nose alone. I look back, and that is when I notice it.....a white thing sticking out of her nose! Yes, she stuck a tic tac up her nose! I was thinking to myself, where is the video camera? Kids win $10,000 all the time on America's Funniest Home Videos for stuff like this. I calmly told her to pull out the tic tac and to never jam anything up her nose. I was trying to so hard not to laugh because she was truly upset and hurting. Oh, kids, you gotta love it!
But I have been pondering lately how lots of people say raising kids in the toddler years can be tough to be able to do anything else....namely spiritual growth. Don't I know it! It seems like if I get up early to read my Bible or to pray, someone else decides it's time to get up early. My day is then spent taking care of kids, house, garden, anything.....and then it's evening, put the kids in bed, and I am ready to crash! I've heard people say that your spiritual growth just has to get put on hold. I don't agree with that. At least, I don't want to agree with that. Sometimes I find myself thinking that way. But I want more.
There was a time when the Lord consumed my thoughts, was the first thought in the morning and last in the night. I had dreams, He talked with me, told me things. I could feel His Holy Spirit with me, guiding me. And then I got caught up in life. Today, I obviously have more responsibility. But I have started getting up even earlier. Hello 5:30 a.m., but it's worth it. I get to have my coffee on the porch, read my bible, reflect on the Lord, and watch the sun rise. And it's just an awesome reminder of God's faithfulnesss, even when I am not. I don't want to just put my spiritual growth on hold. We are to live each day as if He is returning. I need that fire, that passion in my life. When I am passionate about the Lord, then that spills over into other areas of my life, namely my husband and children. I see the little things, the teachable moments.
I just want to encourage those other moms out there that feel the same way I do at times. We all go through the desert at some point in our walks with the Lord. Just don't stay there. Keep asking, keep begging for more, and He will give it to you. Sometimes so much so you'll be thinking, okay Lord that's enough!!!! But keep walking, keep your eyes on the prize. There is so much more He wants to give each of us. More then we can comprehend or imagine.

Praise His Name

Our family had a traumatic event take place on Saturday, May 24th. My youngest sister was in a fairly serious car accident. She works for the local Christian radio station in Lancaster, and was traveling to a parade to cover it live. The trailer she was pulling started weaving back and forth, and to make a long story short, the vehicle and trailer rolled. Everyone was okay. For the whole story, you can read about it on ashleanoelle.blogspot.com. We heard about it about twenty minutes after it happened. We have a friend who works at the local country radio station back there and he was getting reports about 283 being shut down. When he heard a description of the vehicle, he called my husband right away because he knew my sister worked there. Nate came in for lunch and told me and I immediately called my mom. Words cannot express the panic and fear I felt as I waited for my mom to pick up. I was just begging the Lord that Ashlea would be all right. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye to my sister. My mom told me it was her and that she was okay. Praise the Lord!
Yesterday, my dad called me and we were talking about the whole thing. And he said yesterday when he was in church, singing during the worship service, he asked himself, now, if yesterday had turned out differently, and the Lord saw fit to take Ashlea home, would I still be praising Him? Wow, that got my wheels turning in my head. Would I still be able to praise my Lord? Honestly, I don't know. I would like to think, Yes I would. I have lost dear friends before in car accidents, but never a close family member. Never a sibling. Would I be able to see the higher motive in it all? Eventually, I think I would. But would I be able to go to church the next day and raise my hands up to the Lord and praise Him?
I remember years ago, a beloved member of my old church was struck randomly by lightning while he was golfing, leaving behind his wife and three young, young children. I sang on the worship team for his funeral. An image that has never left my mind. I can picture it just as clearly today as all those years ago, is of Steve's wife, now widow, Jenny, singing those songs with her hands uplifted, tears streaming down her face. She was utterly broken before her Lord, yet she could praise Him through the pain and the loss. That spoke to me like nothing else. There is something beautiful in the complete brokeness of God's people who are yet praising His Name. His ways are higher then ours. I have never forgotten that. Not to say she didn't have hard times in dealing with the effects of his death, but she never let go of her faith, and her trust in the Lord.
I want to be like that. Holding so tight, refusing the doubts and the fears to take root in me. We don't know what tomorrow may bring, and in today's crazy world, that could be something pretty devastating, but we serve a sovereign Lord, who's ultimate goal, is to bring us Home to Him. Praise the Lord!

Confessions of a stay at home mom

I must confess that when I play Candyland with my four year old, I stack the deck. I didn't used to, but there were times when the game would just go on forever, and just when we were almost at the end, Larissa would pull the gingerbread man, and then have to go back almost to the very beginning. My mom had suggested stacking the deck, and I never did until recently. Now I put all the picture cards in the right order so no one ever has to go backwards! I know, I am a cheater. But who wants to play Candyland for hours on end?
I also put videos in for the girls to watch so I can get paperwork and office stuff done. They say children should not watch any TV at all until age two, and then very sparingly. Well, what do you think my girls are doing right now? Yes, they are watching Hermie. How else would I ever get to blog, or pay bills or write a letter? When they come into the office, it is pretty much guarranteed they will get into trouble. So I put in a video, and sometimes it plays twice. Those automatic replay videos sometimes come in handy!!!
I lock the door to the bathroom when I take a shower. For some reason, it really annoys me when I have an audience. They sneak into the bathroom and open the shower curtain, look at me and ask what I am doing. I have to strongly refrain from being sarcastic. And then they usually proceed to play in the toilet or get into my makeup, and my relaxing shower is over. So I learned to lock the door. This doesn't make my second child particularly happy. She has been known to stand outside the door and cry and knock on it. But I must confess, I don't rush to open the door.
I have found that I am a person who doesn't always thrive on being around other people. Especially little people. Sometimes I need to be by myself to be able to re-energize and feel prepared to take care my kids. There are days where I feel guilty, like maybe I don't love my kids enough because I don't always want to be with them. But I am learning to recognize that there isn't anything wrong with needing to be by oneself, as long as it isn't all the time, or all day. Everyone needs their own time of refreshing, even Jesus needed time alone. I am learning the key is to fill myself with something worthwhile.
Well, I think my video distraction has wore off..... back to playing referee!!

Stomach Flu

I have come to realize that there are two words that I just hate. Want to know what they are? Stomach flu. I think that is one of my least favorite things about being a mom of young children. They just don't understand yet about running to the bathroom. My middle child will not even puke in a bucket. She just pushes it away and instead just lets it fly wherever it wills. I have been dealing with this all week, washing floors, washing clothes. And a side effect of the stomach flu is then diarrhea, which of course, never stays in the diaper. Yes, this week would definitely not go down as one of my best weeks ever! Last night my husband and I were going to bed and I was telling him I just feel so exhausted all the time, (no, I am not pregnant!) and I think I need a vacation. About right now I think a remote cabin up in the mountains where there is no one around would suit me well. Just me, nature and God. That always seems to be a place where I can feel God's presence the most. Maybe because it's quiet, there are no distractions, no endless lists of to dos that I feel I must accomplish in a day, no children needing or wanting anything from me. That would be wonderful, but the possibility of it happening is slim to none. This morning as I was getting the girls' breakfast together, the Lord pressed on my heart, that I need to see Him in the mundane, everyday things. Because He is everywhere, if I will just take the time to see it. Especially in children. They have a supernatural joy, an ability to go with the flow and bounce back, and limitless grace and forgiveness. But often times I am too busy doing what I think needs to be done or what I want to notice this. I think back to years ago when I could feel the Lord's presence so heavy upon my life, and now there are some days where I wonder if we've connected at all. But the thing is, He didn't go anywhere. I did. Trying to find balance and prioritizing my days are really hard for me. It's hard to let the laundry go, or the outside work or the cleaning and even my own quiet time in the afternoon where I can read or look at magazines or take a nap, and just get down on my face before the Lord. Because parenting is the hardest job I have ever done, I desperately need those times before the Lord. I look at our three little girls and realize these are eternal souls. Now God alone is responsible for salvation, but I do play a part in teaching them about the Lord and showing them what a relationship with God can look like. That is huge. And most days, I feel like I do a pretty crummy job. But as the saying goes, "little is much when God is in it." Thank you Lord! I need to take advantage of those "teachable moments", whether I feel like it or not, because one day they will be gone from under my roof and on their own. But thinking about it and doing it are totally separate things. I need to be a doer and not just a talker.....or writer. I pray a special blessing over all the mothers this weekend, whether you are a mother by birth, adoption, or a spiritual mother (which is so important!), may the Lord bless you as you serve Him, guiding, instructing and loving those He placed under your covering! Happy Mother's Day!