Memories

Wow! Twice in one week! This is amazing....but I highly doubt it will continue. Anyway, yesterday I came upon two old scrapbooks from my younger years. Like 12 years ago. Wow, that kind of hurts to say it. But I spent some time remembering and reminiscing about my college days at Hesston, and about a group of friends that I hung out with mostly after high school and college. In 1998 I lost two of these friends to car accidents two months apart, almost to the day. I was a freshman in college, and I must say it was one of the most difficult times of my life so far. I had written a poem, birthed out of the emotions I was feeling at the time. I wanted to share it here.

UNTITLED

Empty, hollow endless sorrow
Following me, never leaving
It's supposed to get easier,
At least that's what I hear
It seems like yesterday
We were laughing and talking
Now I am the only one walking
Alone, without you near,
Constantly wishing you were here.
I hear a laugh, see a smile
Missing you with each more mile
Shedding tears and feeling pain,
Will I ever be the same?
I keep looking back, remembering
Times we have spent because I
Am afraid I will forget.
Where's the peace I am looking for?
Searching, asking, reaching for?
Is God there? Does He care?
Or is it here to stay.
My heart is breaking, my soul is
Aching for my Master's healing touch
Loving Jesus, come save me from
This pain I am feeling.
Is this my only lot in life, to
Constantly sacrifice my beloved friends
Until the very bitter end?
You are my strength, You are my light
Guide me through this endless night.
Help me lay it at Your feet,
Allowing you to carry
my burdensome load, never
Fearing where to go.
Thank you, Jesus, for
Blessing me with great
friends such as these.
Though it's hard to let
them go, their memory is
With me as You are
Rejoicing at their entry.
Say hello to Scott and Chris
And please give them an angel's kiss.

At times I like to look back, and remember what God has brought me through. In the Old Testament the Israelites would build memorials, stones, to remind them of God's faithfulness. This was a milestone in my life, for trusting God's timing, faithfulness, and that He has a most perfect plan, not to harm me, but to give me a future and a hope, even when I don't understand.

Girlhood dreams

I was driving to Douglas this morning, on my way to the grocery store, minus the kids, and my mind wandered to an old girlhood dream of mine that has just never died. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been captivated by horses, and have always wanted one. When I was younger, my dad wouldn't let me get one because he was afraid I would lose interest and it would become his responsibility. Which may have happened, because horses need to be rode and have time spent with them, and I confess, there were times in my younger days where I was kind of flighty. But this is a dream that has never died. When I was in college, a group of us went to Tulsa, OK and stayed with Corina's uncle who lived on a ranch. And yes, he had horses. He took us all out on a ride, and it was so much fun. It was pretty nerve racking too, to be on top of a horse and knowing it was a long way down! But it was so much fun! After I got married and moved out to Arizona, where there are tons of wide open spaces, it just seems natural that horses should be part of the landscape. But it has never seemed the right time to get one. Our children are small, and so I don't have the time to ride real often, not to mention the fact that my husband and I don't really know a lot about horses. But, oh I still want one! Perhaps someday. I always had this alternate personality where I wanted to be a cowgirl. Hat, boots and all. But I think about that and think everyone will realize what a poser I am! But there is something so alluring about riding across an open range, hair flying in the breeze, and feeling absolutely free. And I think that's what I want most of all. Freedom. Freedom from all life's stresses, frustrations, and pain. From the joy and time drainers of this life. Not from my family and friends, but from all the complications that come from the world. Freedom.