I am thinking that perhaps I should just make my blog a book review. I just got done reading the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. And it was a great book. Anyone females out there who haven't read it, really should. It's reawakened something in me. The book is based on the fact that there are two questions. Man has a question, and woman has a question. Man's question is Do I have what it takes? And woman's question is, Am I lovely? And this is a sore spot for me. I have always struggled with both my physical appearance and personality. I never felt pretty. In high school I always felt as though all my friends were prettier than me, and all the boys liked them, and I was just everyones buddy. To be honest, I still feel this way a lot of the time. And then I would feel like maybe I was too serious, not fun enough, not adventurous enough.....on and on it goes! Well, in this book they talk about how Satan especially has it out for women. See, God created mankind in His image. And part of what makes woman God's image is her beauty. And Satan was cast out of heaven because of his pride and how he felt like he was as beautiful as God. So he doesn't want woman to embrace her beauty, and he's jealous. So he feeds us lies. I was praying this afternoon, and the Lord just brought to my mind all the lies that I have believed over the years. I agreed with the lies, and they became a part of me, chains tying me down, keeping me from experiencing freedom and the abundant life God has planned for me. So I asked forgiveness for the part I played in agreeing with those lies, and then I renounced their hold over me. See, all those times I felt unlovable, they were lies from the pit of hell. And I when I agree with them, I am only crucifying Christ all over again. How much more can he prove his love for me then by dying? It was quite the eye opening experience....and I am so thankful for it. Because I don't want to pass that legacy onto my children. I don't want them to have the baggage I have carried around for so many years. Another thing I learned is that I tend to be a controlling person. Wow, I never really thought about it before, but I do believe it's gotten worse since I have had children. I feel this pressure to make sure they are perfect, that they never fight or get into trouble. Hello! How can I parent perfect children when I myself am far less than perfect? I have realized that I need more grace, mercy, and tenderheartedness.
Another cool thing they point out in the book is how God talks to us through nature. How He gives us beautiful sunsets, rainbows, shooting stars, etc., to show us that He loves us, that He's thinking about us, that He's pursuing us. I never really thought of it that way. See I have always had this thing for rainbows. Always. I just loved how it was a constant reminder of God's promises to me. Well, I married and moved out to AZ where I live on a farm with my husband. Know what the farm was called before they moved here? Rainbows End Ranch. You can see more rainbows here than almost anywhere else. How sweet and perfect of my Heavenly Father, to put me in a place where I am consistently reminded of his love and His presence. I guess it's just so hard for me to grasp that with all the people in the world, God still desires me. A relationship with me. Personal, hard, messy, time consuming, He doesn't care. It doesn't matter to Him how needy I am. He is the only one who doesn't tire of the need, but glories in it. Praise God! I am never too much for Him. And He is more than enough for me.
