Relationship

I just finished reading, "The Shack", by William Young. I can't really put into words what I feel about it. I need to read it again. One thing I did learn is that the Trinity goes hand in hand. They work together and all need to be active in my life. I find at times....most times, I quench the Holy Spirit because I am afraid. Mostly I am afraid of how the Holy Spirit will manifest Itself in my life. I won't be in control. I really am a control freak!!! I think most of us are probably are. And I felt released from this pressure I put on myself about if I don't read my Bible or pray, God's mad at me or will punish me. Yes, God wants me to read His Word, my life instruction manual, but more importantly, He wants relationship. He wants to be involved in all I am, do, think, or speak. He wants my life to be a prayer...to be in constant communion with Him. How awesome and amazing is that? He is all about relationship. Its so hard to get my mind to wrap around that. I think I've spent sufficient time with the Lord if I read/study my Bible for 30-45 minutes. But God wants to live my whole day with me. How do I do this? It's just mind boggling. I always knew God was about relationship, I mean, He sent His only Son to earth to make a way for relationship with us. But I guess I never really personalized it before. And that is what The Shack did for me. It brought to life how intricately involved God is in every aspect of my life. The peaceful times, the pleasant times, and yes, even the painful times.

Tic Tacs and other thoughts

I know, it's been a while since I've written anything. I must confess that the creative juices have just not been flowing recently. I hate when I go through dry spells like that. But one humorous thing did happen not too long ago. I took my girls to the bank with me. Now, I live in a very SMALL town, and so when I go to the bank, if there are no other cars there, I will just let the pickup run and go and be out in like two minutes. Before I went into the bank I gave Alaina and Larissa each some tic tacs to eat while I ran in. I come back out, put the truck in gear and am leaving when I notice Larissa is crying. I ask her what's wrong and she says her nose hurts. I think she's been picking it, so I tell her to just leave her nose alone. I look back, and that is when I notice it.....a white thing sticking out of her nose! Yes, she stuck a tic tac up her nose! I was thinking to myself, where is the video camera? Kids win $10,000 all the time on America's Funniest Home Videos for stuff like this. I calmly told her to pull out the tic tac and to never jam anything up her nose. I was trying to so hard not to laugh because she was truly upset and hurting. Oh, kids, you gotta love it!
But I have been pondering lately how lots of people say raising kids in the toddler years can be tough to be able to do anything else....namely spiritual growth. Don't I know it! It seems like if I get up early to read my Bible or to pray, someone else decides it's time to get up early. My day is then spent taking care of kids, house, garden, anything.....and then it's evening, put the kids in bed, and I am ready to crash! I've heard people say that your spiritual growth just has to get put on hold. I don't agree with that. At least, I don't want to agree with that. Sometimes I find myself thinking that way. But I want more.
There was a time when the Lord consumed my thoughts, was the first thought in the morning and last in the night. I had dreams, He talked with me, told me things. I could feel His Holy Spirit with me, guiding me. And then I got caught up in life. Today, I obviously have more responsibility. But I have started getting up even earlier. Hello 5:30 a.m., but it's worth it. I get to have my coffee on the porch, read my bible, reflect on the Lord, and watch the sun rise. And it's just an awesome reminder of God's faithfulnesss, even when I am not. I don't want to just put my spiritual growth on hold. We are to live each day as if He is returning. I need that fire, that passion in my life. When I am passionate about the Lord, then that spills over into other areas of my life, namely my husband and children. I see the little things, the teachable moments.
I just want to encourage those other moms out there that feel the same way I do at times. We all go through the desert at some point in our walks with the Lord. Just don't stay there. Keep asking, keep begging for more, and He will give it to you. Sometimes so much so you'll be thinking, okay Lord that's enough!!!! But keep walking, keep your eyes on the prize. There is so much more He wants to give each of us. More then we can comprehend or imagine.

Praise His Name

Our family had a traumatic event take place on Saturday, May 24th. My youngest sister was in a fairly serious car accident. She works for the local Christian radio station in Lancaster, and was traveling to a parade to cover it live. The trailer she was pulling started weaving back and forth, and to make a long story short, the vehicle and trailer rolled. Everyone was okay. For the whole story, you can read about it on ashleanoelle.blogspot.com. We heard about it about twenty minutes after it happened. We have a friend who works at the local country radio station back there and he was getting reports about 283 being shut down. When he heard a description of the vehicle, he called my husband right away because he knew my sister worked there. Nate came in for lunch and told me and I immediately called my mom. Words cannot express the panic and fear I felt as I waited for my mom to pick up. I was just begging the Lord that Ashlea would be all right. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye to my sister. My mom told me it was her and that she was okay. Praise the Lord!
Yesterday, my dad called me and we were talking about the whole thing. And he said yesterday when he was in church, singing during the worship service, he asked himself, now, if yesterday had turned out differently, and the Lord saw fit to take Ashlea home, would I still be praising Him? Wow, that got my wheels turning in my head. Would I still be able to praise my Lord? Honestly, I don't know. I would like to think, Yes I would. I have lost dear friends before in car accidents, but never a close family member. Never a sibling. Would I be able to see the higher motive in it all? Eventually, I think I would. But would I be able to go to church the next day and raise my hands up to the Lord and praise Him?
I remember years ago, a beloved member of my old church was struck randomly by lightning while he was golfing, leaving behind his wife and three young, young children. I sang on the worship team for his funeral. An image that has never left my mind. I can picture it just as clearly today as all those years ago, is of Steve's wife, now widow, Jenny, singing those songs with her hands uplifted, tears streaming down her face. She was utterly broken before her Lord, yet she could praise Him through the pain and the loss. That spoke to me like nothing else. There is something beautiful in the complete brokeness of God's people who are yet praising His Name. His ways are higher then ours. I have never forgotten that. Not to say she didn't have hard times in dealing with the effects of his death, but she never let go of her faith, and her trust in the Lord.
I want to be like that. Holding so tight, refusing the doubts and the fears to take root in me. We don't know what tomorrow may bring, and in today's crazy world, that could be something pretty devastating, but we serve a sovereign Lord, who's ultimate goal, is to bring us Home to Him. Praise the Lord!

Confessions of a stay at home mom

I must confess that when I play Candyland with my four year old, I stack the deck. I didn't used to, but there were times when the game would just go on forever, and just when we were almost at the end, Larissa would pull the gingerbread man, and then have to go back almost to the very beginning. My mom had suggested stacking the deck, and I never did until recently. Now I put all the picture cards in the right order so no one ever has to go backwards! I know, I am a cheater. But who wants to play Candyland for hours on end?
I also put videos in for the girls to watch so I can get paperwork and office stuff done. They say children should not watch any TV at all until age two, and then very sparingly. Well, what do you think my girls are doing right now? Yes, they are watching Hermie. How else would I ever get to blog, or pay bills or write a letter? When they come into the office, it is pretty much guarranteed they will get into trouble. So I put in a video, and sometimes it plays twice. Those automatic replay videos sometimes come in handy!!!
I lock the door to the bathroom when I take a shower. For some reason, it really annoys me when I have an audience. They sneak into the bathroom and open the shower curtain, look at me and ask what I am doing. I have to strongly refrain from being sarcastic. And then they usually proceed to play in the toilet or get into my makeup, and my relaxing shower is over. So I learned to lock the door. This doesn't make my second child particularly happy. She has been known to stand outside the door and cry and knock on it. But I must confess, I don't rush to open the door.
I have found that I am a person who doesn't always thrive on being around other people. Especially little people. Sometimes I need to be by myself to be able to re-energize and feel prepared to take care my kids. There are days where I feel guilty, like maybe I don't love my kids enough because I don't always want to be with them. But I am learning to recognize that there isn't anything wrong with needing to be by oneself, as long as it isn't all the time, or all day. Everyone needs their own time of refreshing, even Jesus needed time alone. I am learning the key is to fill myself with something worthwhile.
Well, I think my video distraction has wore off..... back to playing referee!!

Stomach Flu

I have come to realize that there are two words that I just hate. Want to know what they are? Stomach flu. I think that is one of my least favorite things about being a mom of young children. They just don't understand yet about running to the bathroom. My middle child will not even puke in a bucket. She just pushes it away and instead just lets it fly wherever it wills. I have been dealing with this all week, washing floors, washing clothes. And a side effect of the stomach flu is then diarrhea, which of course, never stays in the diaper. Yes, this week would definitely not go down as one of my best weeks ever! Last night my husband and I were going to bed and I was telling him I just feel so exhausted all the time, (no, I am not pregnant!) and I think I need a vacation. About right now I think a remote cabin up in the mountains where there is no one around would suit me well. Just me, nature and God. That always seems to be a place where I can feel God's presence the most. Maybe because it's quiet, there are no distractions, no endless lists of to dos that I feel I must accomplish in a day, no children needing or wanting anything from me. That would be wonderful, but the possibility of it happening is slim to none. This morning as I was getting the girls' breakfast together, the Lord pressed on my heart, that I need to see Him in the mundane, everyday things. Because He is everywhere, if I will just take the time to see it. Especially in children. They have a supernatural joy, an ability to go with the flow and bounce back, and limitless grace and forgiveness. But often times I am too busy doing what I think needs to be done or what I want to notice this. I think back to years ago when I could feel the Lord's presence so heavy upon my life, and now there are some days where I wonder if we've connected at all. But the thing is, He didn't go anywhere. I did. Trying to find balance and prioritizing my days are really hard for me. It's hard to let the laundry go, or the outside work or the cleaning and even my own quiet time in the afternoon where I can read or look at magazines or take a nap, and just get down on my face before the Lord. Because parenting is the hardest job I have ever done, I desperately need those times before the Lord. I look at our three little girls and realize these are eternal souls. Now God alone is responsible for salvation, but I do play a part in teaching them about the Lord and showing them what a relationship with God can look like. That is huge. And most days, I feel like I do a pretty crummy job. But as the saying goes, "little is much when God is in it." Thank you Lord! I need to take advantage of those "teachable moments", whether I feel like it or not, because one day they will be gone from under my roof and on their own. But thinking about it and doing it are totally separate things. I need to be a doer and not just a talker.....or writer. I pray a special blessing over all the mothers this weekend, whether you are a mother by birth, adoption, or a spiritual mother (which is so important!), may the Lord bless you as you serve Him, guiding, instructing and loving those He placed under your covering! Happy Mother's Day!

Asking for it

Did you ever have those days where you just felt like your children were asking for it? The last two days have been like that for me. But I must back up to Saturday for it all to make sense. Maybe even farther than that. Ever since my pregnancy with Alaina (#2), I have had problems with my back. It's usually my sciatic nerve. Two weeks ago my back went out and it took me about 5 or 6 days until I was feeling pretty much as good as new. Well, last Saturday it went out again! I had just gotten Charlotte out of bed and took her out to the living to play. I was sitting her down when it just went. I had to go down to my knees. Thankfully it wasn't as severe as I have had before where I was reduced to crawling around for a few days. I waited till the pain had subsided, and then stood up and hobbled out to the kitchen where my husband was pouring our coffee. He looked at me and just shook his head, and followed me back to our room where I laid down and just wanted to cry. The pain in the back is bad enough, but when you have three children, four and under, it just makes you want to hide under the covers and never come out. My children are normal, which means they fight over toys, and go to far rooms in the house where I can't see what they are doing, and they get into stuff. With a bad back, it just means my reaction time so much slower, and my patience is quite a bit more thin. Fast forward to yesterday. Mornings are my hardest because I am so stiff from lying down all night. I got up and made my way to the couch where my heating pad is and laid on it till my muscles were warmed up and I could stretch a little. The girls got up and I attempted to make breakfast and get them dressed. I knew the house need a good cleaning because I hadn't gotten much done the week before because of my back, so I called my mother in law and sister in law to come help me out. I poured cleaner in the bathroom sinks and tubs and toilets and then went to lay down again. I realized as I lay down that Charlotte is missing. So I go back the hall and find her up to her elbows in toilet water! I firmly tell her no, wipe her off, and shut the bathroom door. I bring her back out to the living room and lay down again. Ten minutes later I hear commotion back near the bedrooms again. I go back and this time find all three in my bathroom. Charlotte again in the toilet, and Larissa has the toilet brush waving it around and splashing water all over. Charlotte then starts rubbing her eyes and crying because it burns. So I tell the older two to go their room and take Charlotte, clean her up, and put her down for a nap. I discipline the older two because they knew better and hobble out to the sofa....again. My family shows up and I just start crying because I am feeling totally overwhelmed. They take the older two outside and hang out my laundry and clean my house. Which was awesome. But my older two continued to get into trouble. They climbed into our pickup truck and found some gum. Alaina came in the house with a huge wad of gum she was chomping on. And they also got into their grandma's car, which they got in trouble for by grandma. The expression on Alaina's face was priceless. She couldn't believe Grandma would discipline her! Loved that. And then what took the cake was lunchtime. I was putting food on the girls' plates so it would be cooled. I had finished Larissa's and moved around the table to do Alaina's when Charlotte crawled over, stood up, and pulled Larissa's plate down to the floor. Spilling mashed potatoes, corn, sauerkraut and pork all over the place. As quickly as she could, Charlotte stuffed food in her mouth ( I do feed my children, Charlotte just thinks she needs to eat all the time), so I didn't have as much to clean up, but still, it was just the icing on the cake.
So this morning I get up, not feeling quite as bad as yesterday, and we start our morning. The older two go out to play as I finish cleaning up and I see they are in the pickup yet again. So I bring them in, we deal with it, and move on. I put Charlotte down for a nap and come out into the kitchen and see the children's cough medicine I had on the counter is gone and the girls have it outside where they dumped it all over the porch! Now, I am slightly upset. Cough medicine is plenty expensive. So we again have to deal with it. I've read in books that you will have days where it seems like your children are just asking for it all the time. I believe the last few days would fall into that category. The books also assure us worn out parents that this will cease, but days like these make me feel like it will not come soon enough. How hard it is to find the patience to deal with the childishness, deliberate disobedience and curiosity of the age. It makes it even more apparent that the more I try to take on myself, the more I fail. It's only through the Lord's strength and supernatural patience and love that a parent can make it. I don't know any other way.

Larissa

April is a popular month for birthdays. Our third child's birthday is the beginning of the month, and our first, Larissa, is the end of the month. In fact, her birthday is tomorrow, the 28th. Four years old. Wow, the time just goes so fast. I thought I would write about her birth as well since I did Charlotte's. Alaina's will have to wait until October. Lets see.....four years ago tonight, my labor started. Larissa is the only one that I experienced back labor with. Thank goodness! That is exhausting in itself, and then you have the contractions to deal with as well. I was up most of the night with back labor. I sat in the tub off and on, scared to death of what was to come. This was my first baby, and we were having her at home, so as you can imagine, all kinds of possibilities were playing in my mind. I don't think it matters where you have your babies, I think most mothers go through a time when they are scared or unsure of what will or could happen. Eight the next morning my contractions started to be five minutes apart. So we called our midwife, and she arrived about ten. I labored all day. And it was quite intense. My poor husband pushed against my knees everytime I had a contraction to counteract the back labor I was experiencing. I think he was as tired as I was the next day! Finally, at seven, Stephanie checked me and I was a ten, so she broke my water, and I got into my beloved birthing tub to start the last phase. I pushed for an hour and twenty minutes. I was so exhausted till Larissa arrived. One side effect to my being in labor is that I throw up anything with sugar in it. So I cannot eat or drink anything but water. This drains your energy levels considerably, so by the time she arrived, I was exhausted. But there is no feeling to describe holding your first baby ever. The miracle of birth is one that I will never understand or be able to find the words to express. It is just amazing and breathtaking. We named our firstborn Larissa, which means happy and cheerful. Which she is most of the time. She is the only whose name we agreed on from the beginning. For some reason we have a problem finding girls names that we both like, and we only have girls! Go figure. But I just remember after the midwives got me settled and Larissa dressed and weighed, they put her in bed with me and the three of us, now a family, just laid there. Nate and I just staring at her, and Larissa just sleeping peacefully away. Our lives were never going to be the same again.