Living the Story

Last night I had received some news that a family member on my husband's side had passed away. I felt like crying all night, and even today, the sting is still there. This precious woman, succombed to death, leaving behind a husband and four small children. She was only in her early thirties. And it hit me how life is truly a vapor. Death is hard for anyone to understand and devastating to work through. It's especially so when it's someone young, who is to be full of life and have many years ahead of them. I kept thinking that it could be me. And it also made me feel so guilty. I think of all the times I get frustrated and angry with my children, or just wish for one day to myself, and I think of how this young mother felt, probably wishing for just one more day with her children. One more time to wipe runny noses, to break up a fight, to hold a little one and wipe their tears, to make one more meal. In reality, though, her story is just beginning. She is now before her Father, complete and whole, in perfect health. But for those of us here, it's so hard to wrap our minds around that concept. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. There's part of me that just wants to go on living here, on earth. And I think it's because I have a scewed view of what Heaven truly is and what we will do there. And I must confess there is a certain fear in death for me. But the truth is we are never absent from God. When we breath our final breath on earth, we are immediately before the Father. My human mind just can't comprehend it.
My grandparents were here for almost two weeks and we had a great time. It means so much to me that they would drive all the way out here. Especially because they are almost 80 years old! While they were here, my grandma insisted on washing my dishes everyday. I don't have a dishwasher......someday!! But, anyway, almost once each day she would make comment about the view and how beautiful the mountains are. The one day I mentioned to her that the sad thing was, I don't even see them anymore. I mean, I see them with my eyes, but not with my heart. I don't stop and look and think, wow, thank you God for putting that view right before my window everyday. Just to think that the mountains are your footstool. You are truly amazing Lord! Isn't that sad? We are surrounded by an amazing and vast creation, yet do we really see the beauty that God has lavished on us?
I just finished reading John Eldredge's book, Desire, and it talks about how we can become so loaded down with this life, and we were meant for so much more. It really challenged me to be aware of my attitude and how I can let myself become complacent. I want to have a fire and a passion for life. To see my life as a play that God has the main role and I am in His cast. To live my life on purpose. To not forfeit any joy or beauty for the burdens of my day, but to let Christ handle that for me.

Looking back and looking forward

Wow, it seems hard to believe that 2008 will be over in a few hours. And on to 2009. I felt like sitting down and reflecting a little on what I've learned and looking ahead to what I want to do and be in 2009. I've learned a lot about myself since having children and this year was no less true. Children are a blessing from the Lord whether they are yours or not. And being a mother of three young girls four and under, that is a truth that I have often had to remind myself of!!! But oh, I know these days will go by so fast, and one day I will look back and wonder where it all went. Time is our one resource that is totally and completely unrenewable. And I don't want to waste anymore of it. Another thing I have learned is how much I need to live my life in constant communication with God. He wants access to all the parts of my life, even the mundane. And I am learning to take all my cares and burdens to Him, no matter how superficial or silly. He cares because He LOVES me. Somedays I still can't quite believe it. But His Word says it. This year has been a trying year, financially and just trying to discern God's will about where He wants us and where we should go. For now, we are staying here, and I feel at peace about that. God has really laid on my heart the need for intercessory prayer and how to do that. I read a book about fasting and have tried some of those concepts. One of the biggest things is I did a bible study on the book of Daniel by Beth Moore, and that is something that just touched my life so much. I finally bought my first commentaries, and LOVE them. They give you so much information about the historical time period and I just love how God's Word regarding prophecies are always right on. And I learned what a man of integrity Daniel was, and I want that. I want God to share things with me and I want to be considered a woman after God's own heart. I don't want to miss anything.
What about 2009? I want to become more patient, and slow to frustration and anger where my children are concerned. I want to fall more and more in love with my husband, and with my God. I want to see the sunrise and sunset and soak in their beauty. I want to feel the breeze on my face and take minute to bask in the love and peace that are mine, regardless of what's going on in my life at that moment. I just want to enjoy and embrace whatever God has for me, and not miss the little moments that fly by. And I want to laugh more. Sometimes I feel like I get caught up in minor, stupid things, and miss the joy. I don't want to sell my joy for anything less. I want to live like I'm free. Like how I'm supposed to.

Sacrificial Life

I am finishing up a 12 week study on the book of Daniel. It is a bible study by Beth Moore, and it has been awesome! I have learned so much about the man Daniel, and about end time prophecy which has always interested and maybe scared me a little too. All I can say is that we have an awesome and mighty God who pays attention to the smallest detail and makes sure His Word proves true time and time again. Did you know that some historians have tried to prove that Daniel was written after it actually was because of how accurate the prophecies were? I have loved it. It also makes me sad because I have one more week left. Week 11 I was studying Daniel 11, and Beth taught on the sacrificial life. See, once the Greeks took over the Medo-Persian empire, they had several kings and one king, Antiochus IV, took away the daily sacrifice from the Jews. They were no longer allowed to offer sacrifice to their God. Beth paralleled this to our lives today and how the world is trying to take away our daily sacrifice. See, we are no longer called to offer animal sacrifice, but we are to offer up our lives as a daily sacrifice to our God. And the world we live in is very anti-sacrifice. If it requires us to give of our selves, if it requires us to be inconvenienced, or to put someone else ahead of our wants or needs, no way! And as she was teaching this, it hit me so hard. See, I don't want to miss what God may have for me. I want to be a Daniel, a person of integrity and I wan to have a discerning spirit. I want to be so persistent in my search for wisdom, that God gives it to me. Even if it requires sacrifice. At one point in her lesson, Beth Moore said, and I quote "If we miss the sacrificial life, we miss our life purpose." That spoke volumes to me. I could miss my life purpose. I can be saved and still miss my life purpose. I have to allow God access to all areas of my life and let Him lead me according to His will, even if it gets uncomfortable. I think of how I can relate that to me being a mom. I am inconvenienced a lot in a day by my children....or at least that is how I feel about it. But I came to the realization that I have to see beyond my inconvenience. Yes, their fighting and wanting my attention can be very frustrating when I am trying to finish cleaning, doing laundry or checking my email or reading a book. But a lot of times I realized I stay busy just because I don't want to take the time to read them a book or color or paint with them. Isn't that terrible? I have deceived myself into thinking the things I want to do are more important. Now, sometimes the cleaning and laundry has to be done, and I don't feel as though I should be the one entertaining my children all the time, but on the other hand, if I don't invest my time now and teach my children the values and morals that I think are important, and teach them the most valuable worth of having a relationship with Jesus Christ, I will miss one of my life's purposes. My children are eternal souls that need the opportunity to see Christ lived out in their home....in their mom and dad.

Christmas

I just love the Christmas season. I love decorating the house, putting up a tree, the smell of pine in the house, the look of the lights and candles, the fire in the fireplace, the smell of cookies baking...I just love it. Living out in Arizona, I don't get quite the "traditional or idyllic" Christmas like I had growing up. For instance, the snow, going sledding and coming in, hanging my outside clothes up on a clothesline down in the basement and coming up and thawing out in front of the fire with a steaming cup of cocoa; or the sledding parties we used to have when we were younger up on our big hill and then we'd go to the neighbors for homemade donuts! That was the best. Here the possibility of us getting snow that will stick around is pretty much slim to none. But one tradition that I do want to keep is the making of a birthday cake for Jesus. We sing the Happy Birthday song and the girls blow out the candle. I think it's such a great way to make the point of what Christmas is actually celebrating for a younger child. That is something that my Breneman side of the family has done for as long as I can remember. The younger kids would blow out the candle and then we would sing the first verse of Joy to the World. That is a memory I will keep forever, and one I want to pass onto my children. I am still utterly amazed and humbled that the Son of God would choose to come and take on human flesh to save my soul. And He not only did that, but chose to come in the most humble of ways; to be born in a stable, in a manger, with only the animals and shepherds to witness his miraculous and amazing coming.

Alaina

Here it is, my second born's third birthday. I can't believe that three years ago, this morning at 2:00 a.m. Alaina Grace came into the world. Every birth is an amazing story, but Alaina's is especially dear to me because she came so quickly and we weren't quite as prepared as we had hoped.
First, when I was about 7 months along, we went down to Mexico and got an ultrasound. We took along another couple who are friends of ours. They came into the room while the doctor did the ultrasound. Nate and I didn't want to know the sex of our baby. While the doctor was going through his usual checklist of things to look for, he asked us again if we wanted to know what the baby was. We said no, but our friend, Emily, could see for herself what the baby was. Nate and I at the time weren't really sure what we were looking at on the screen, and so we missed it. Emily later told me it was so obvious! But we've improved looking at ultrasounds with each one. Nate could tell immediately when it was Charlotte's turn.
Anyway, so Emily knew the rest of the time what our baby was and we didn't! And she never slipped up. She did email my mom and told her. Well, my original due date was the 6th of October. My mom was scheduled to fly out a couple days after that. Well, my mom arrived and the baby had not!!! So my mom and I got to hang out for a few days before our child decided to make her arrival.
The whole time we were waiting, Nate and I were just sure this one was a boy. I carried different. Even my midwife admitted she thought we were having a boy. Another reason we thought we were having a boy is because Emily only has boys, so we thought the reason she could tell what we were having is because there must have been something extra there and that is what she is used to seeing. God humbled us lots!!!
On Thursday, the 12th I went for my 41 week checkup and my midwife said she thought it would be anytime. That evening I went home feeling depressed and like I was going to be pregnant forever. Around six thirty, I noticed I was having contractions. Nothing huge. I didn't have to stop my activity. Around nine we went to bed. I had Nate time them to see how close they were and my contactions were five minutes apart. At this point, I knew I probably wasn't going to be able to sleep. Who can sleep when they know they will be delivering a baby at some point during the night?
Since Larissa's birth had taken 12 hours, I figured that it would be until at least mornning light until I would be in full delivery mode. Nate fell asleep for a little and I labored quietly. Around one thirty he woke up, and found me kneeling on the bed, breathing through my contractions. At this point they were coming so close I couldn't hardly catch my breath, and all I could say was "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Nate took one look at me and asked if he should call my midwife. I nodded and he did. Stephanie said she was on her way. I got up and went over to my birthing tub and got in. I thought the warm water would help relax me. I no sooner got in the tub than I felt relief, and then dread because I just knew it was time to push.
I looked at Nate and said, "I have to push!" And he looked at me like I was crazy. So he called Stephanie back and told her and she told me I had to get out of the water. Nate woke up my mom and told her what was happening and she came and got Larissa and took her to the room my mom was sleeping in. I got out of the water and went back to my bed. Stephanie talked Nate through the whole birthing process. Neither of us were prepared for how blue the baby's face was. Of course, at the moment Alaina's head came out, Nate lost connection with Stephanie. For a few scary moments we weren't sure if the baby was okay or not. Stephanie quickly called back and Alaina was born. Nate got my mom and she came back and helped wrap her up tight and I took her back to see if she would nurse. Stephanie asked us what we had, and in our excitement we forgot to look. Nate unwrapped her enough to report that we, in fact, had a girl! Of course, we then had to come up with a name. Alaina was a name we liked from before, so we went with it. Alaina Grace. Alaina means beauty, and she definitely is that! Not that I am biased or anything!!!
When Stephanie arrived, she told us that was the first time she never made it to a birth in time to deliver. I think she was very proud of the calm way in which Nate handled himself. I don't think it's a job he would willingly take on again, but I know he would if he had to. Of course, Stephanie made sure that I called at the first sign of contractions with Charlotte, so that didn't situation didn't repeat itself!!!
But we had a healthy, beautiful baby girl, and that was all that mattered. And a really great story to pass onto Alaina as she grows up.

JOY

I know it's been a while since I have last written. It feels as though a lot has happened. Not really, but we did go to Pennsylvania for two and a half weeks, and that meant me flying with my three little girls by myself. That was quite a feat, and I am happy to say that we all survived and the girls actually did quite well. Kids can and will surprise you. I wasn't sure how Charlotte would do being held the entire time. She is quite the active 18 month old. Other than kicking her sister in the head a couple of times and pulling hair, she did just fine. Larissa loves to travel and I never heard much out of her the whole time. She just sits there and plays with her dolls and looks at her books. Alaina, too, did pretty good. She only had meltdowns once we landed, which is better than on the plane. The only major problem we had was when we landed in Philly. We were in the very last row and so the very last ones off of the plane. Alaina started crying as soon as the plane stopped. So of course she was crying the whole time everyone was getting off the plane. When we finally had our turn to get off, I was setting up the stroller to put Charlotte in when I heard screaming. I turn around and here Alaina has managed to get her foot stuck between the little space between the plane and the tarmack. Yes, only my child would do that. In case you don't know Alaina, she has "accident waiting to happen" stamped on her forehead. So I quickly go over and unstick her foot. She immediately starts hopping around like she twisted her ankle, so I get her in the stroller and push it with one hand and hold Charlotte in the other. Now, Charlotte weighs over 20 pounds and I walked as far as I could, but my right arm was shaking so bad, and I am a lefty, so I knew I couldn't push the stroller with just my right arm, so I stopped my little caravan and told Alaina she would have to get out of the stroller. She did, and then proceeded to tag along about ten feet behind me and cry the whole way down to baggage claim. People were stopping and watching and trying to hide their laughing. I FINALLY made it down to baggage claim only to find out I was at the wrong one!!!! I had to walk outside the building to the US Airways baggage claim. By that time, my parents thought they were early and went upstairs to see if they could see us coming down, so when I got to the correct baggage claim, they weren't there. Thank goodness for cell phones! I texted my mom and they came down pronto and I was so happy to unload the kids onto their very adoring grandparents!!! All in all we had a great trip and the plane ride home was pretty much uneventful! PTL!
And as I've been home now for almost two weeks, I was thinking the other day about joy. I realized I don't have a lot of it during the week. I pretty much get frustrated and angry very quickly. And for those of you who know me, I am typically laid back, but not when it comes to my children. And then I started thinking about what they must think about me. That I am really not that much fun and I don't enjoy being silly and playing with them. Which, honestly, doesn't happen nearly enough. I realized I am not the same adventurous, almost silly girl I used to be. When I was a teenager.....well till I was married, I used to sing into hairbrushes with my sisters when a really cool song came on the radio. Do I do that with my own kids? Uh, not too often. I used to be more spontaneous and fun. Now I am all about making sure my house is clean, the laundry is done and the bills are paid. Not that those things aren't important, but you still need to make room for the unexpected. And then I thought, is this because....gulp.....I am getting older? I mean, I am going to be hitting the big 30 next year. Yuck! I don't even want to think about it. But no, that can't be it, because I have family.....namely my dad and a very funny uncle who still act like they are teenage boys. I love that about them.
So I have decided that I need to let loose a little more often, so my kids will enjoy spending time with me. Not that I am trying to be their friend, I need to be their mother right now, but as they get older, I want them to feel like they can share things with me and that we can have a close relationship outside of "put your toys away. brush your teeth. eat with your mouth closed."
I need to be able to just live. Enjoy life and seek out those special moments that you can just feel God blessing you and smiling down upon you, even if there is mud on the kitchen floor and the laundry is piling up and I missed putting fabric softener in the rinse cycle (I hate when that happens!). I'll let you know how it turns out.

Power

I just got the new Hillsong CD, This is our God. It's pretty good. There is a song on there, Healer, that has a special story to it. The guy who wrote it had been told a couple years ago that he had cancer. He went home and wrote that song. The Lord healed him. The song sat for a couple years and they put it on their new CD. The words are this:

You hold my every moment/you calm my raging seas/you walk with me through fire and heal all my disease/I trust in you/I trust in you
I believe you're my healer/I believe you are all I need/I believe you're my portion/I believe you're more than enough for me/Jesus you're all I need
Nothing is impossible for you/nothing is impossible/nothing is impossible for you/you hold my world in your hands

You can watch the video on youtube. I think you just type in the word healer. But the next song on the CD I love. It's called You are Here. And the words are this:

The same power that conquered the grave/lives in me/lives in me
Your love that rescued the earth/lives in me/lives in me

I was talking to my husband on the way home from church yesterday about how I get so frustrated throughout a day. I have my idea of what I want to accomplish in a day and when it doesn't go the way I want it to, I get very frustrated and even angry. But how often do I ask for the Lord's help throughout the day? Sometimes I believe I have more frustrating days than not, because the Lord is trying to draw me to Him. To rely on him solely to get through a day. Think about that, the same power the raised Christ from the dead, lives in me. It lives in all of us if we've surrendered our lives to Him. How awesome and amazing is that? But it's the remembering, the dying to ourselves, realizing we can't do it on our own. That is hard.
We are seriously considering homeschooling our children. I struggle daily with wondering if I can do it. Do I have enough patience? Will I be a good teacher? Will they be able to learn from me? What about my own personal time? I realized I can be very selfish. And I am learning more everyday that it isn't about whether I can do it, but will I let God accomplish His will and desire through me?
Being a parent is really hard because we constantly have to sacrifice what we want to be doing for what we need to be doing. Spending time with our children, directing them and making sure their hearts are right. That is tough work. But how much harder is it when I refuse to bend the knee, and ask the Lord for his help, his power, his resurrection power. What more could I want? What more could I need?